Devil in a Blue Dress

Oprah has gained weight.

I'm letting you know because, apparently, this is a big news story.

She has gained so much weight, she is over 200 lbs. and does not know what she's going to wear to Obama's inaguration.

Aren't you concerned? Perhaps we should all write her letters of condolence...or support...or whatever. Because this is a big deal. This is something that all the major news networks are reporting. And as a suburban housewife, I feel it is my sworn duty to obsess over all things Oprah.

Okay, I'm not a housewife, and I hate Oprah. That's right--I said it. I hate Oprah. I hate her pomposity. I hate her self-satisfied smugness. I hate her insanely powerful sway over middle-class Americans. Let's be honest: over women. When did women in this country become such idiots? No, don't answer that.

I hate the prattle that she passes off for information, and I hate her projects: Dr. Phil especially. Good God, what a waste of flesh. Tell me, how can an obviously obese man have a top-selling diet book? Where does a twice-divorced man get off telling husbands and wives how they should comport themselves?

And how is it that middle-class America--good, God-fearing Bible-belt folks--give her a pass when it comes to her "living-in-sin" sugar-mama relationship with whats-his-face? Oh, that's right--she gave away some cars. Apparently, not only can America be bought, but it's pretty damn cheap.

An example of why I can't stand the woman? Certainly. I once saw a show of hers dedicated to honoring her charity work. Yes, it was a we love Oprah free-for-all. She chose several examples of her generosity for her loving audience to dote over. What were this evidences of her gregariousness? She saved a child from dying of cancer? Bought a house for a destitute woman with five children? Created a scholarship fund for deserving but poor young women? Contributed money to disease-fighting, hunger-fighting, poverty-fighting, whaling-fighting organizations?

Sadly, no. The fantastically benevolent acts she had committed with her immense wealth and power were:
1) she got a girl an internship (unpaid), and
2) she gave a fat girl a "Princess Day" (where the girl wore a tiara and got her nails done).

Ah, yes. All hail Oprah. Saving the world one facial at a time.

Sigh. The worst part is that it entered my day. It would be one thing if she and her drones kept to their own mindlessness, but no. What sadly passes for our news media these days is more interested in keeping us abreast of fluctuations in celebrity weight than in anything that happens in the rest of the world. I suppose if we keep our heads buried in our fashion magazines and TMZ.com, we won't have to worry about all of the problems in the world. Better yet, we won't feel obliged to do anything about them.

You know, though, I bet if it were really that important, Oprah would let us know what we needed to do.